What is Remembered Lives On

This may look like a blog post out of the blue, but the reality is, it has taken me seven weeks to write it. I have oscillated between beating myself up for not doing it, feeling like I was letting Bree down, or trying to be kinder to myself, with years of living with grief reminding me that it is okay to just do what I can do.

On March 17 2024, I faced another anniversary of losing Bree.

This year, it is 25 years.

9125 days.

219,000 hours.

13 million 140,000 minutes.

That is how long my beautiful daughter Bree has been gone for. Not to mention the 49 days since. Half of my life and more than eight times longer than she had the chance to live.

How does a parent even comprehend this length of time of living without their child? How cruel is it that Bree did not get to experience every single one of those minutes? Or that I didn’t get the chance to watch her grow up, stress me out or watch in pure joy as she took on the world? Or that Riley never got to meet his big sister, to fight with her or to have someone who was always there for him?

It feels impossible, but somehow, seven weeks later, I am still here and the world is continuing on as if nothing happened. Maybe it is the sheer weight of all the anniversaries I have already faced, but the weight of this anniversary still wears me down, seven weeks later. Maybe it is also the added weight that it was the first anniversary since Dave, Bree’s father had also passed away, someone who loved Bree as much as me.

It is hard reconciling still feeling this way when, like previous anniversaries, I went away for an experience to recognise Bree’s amazing spirit and what I experienced was so incredible, it ranks close to the 10yr anniversary when I spent a week caring for baby orangutans in Borneo. I came away from that trip lighter, strongly feeling Bree with me. Yet this time, despite such an incredible experience, I feel exhausted, mentally carrying a heavy load of grief. It reminds me of ‘Butterfly Wings, Bricks and Lead,’ a piece written by bereaved parent Tom Crouthamel.

My grief is the same, but right now, it just weighs a lot more. I’m hoping by finally sharing this post and reliving the experience will go a little way to helping me process it all and carry the grief a little easier.

25 years feels like an eternity without Bree, so I felt like I needed to do something that would wow her. My original plan was to walk the Kumano Kodo, the Japanese Camino, however, my current work situation meant I couldn’t organise this in the time it needed (insert beating myself up for allowing this to happen). The next idea was to tick off a high level bucket list item – swimming with the whale sharks.

Despite their name (and size), they are neither whales or sharks, but the world’s largest fish. For people not familiar with whale sharks, the below graphic gives a visual on the size.

 

My original plan was to travel to Ningaloo in Western Australia, though I’d always had the concern of not seeing them as their migration season to Australia doesn’t officially start until right on Bree’s anniversary. Thankfully, I spoke with my son Riley about my plans, and he recommended I go to the Philippines instead, but to make sure I book an ethical tour.

A bit of investigating found that a) it would be peak season for whale sharks and b) it would cost me significantly less travelling to the Philippines than it would travelling to Western Australia. I was sold, much to Riley’s irritation that I would now be visiting his dream destination before him, but hey, it was his idea.

Finding the ethical tour took a bit more searching. There are a number of areas whale sharks can be seen in the Philippines, however, to capitalise on tourism, the locals in some areas feed the whale sharks, keeping them in the area, but being that whale sharks are a migratory species, this impacts their natural behaviours.

Sogod Bay would provide what I was looking for. They don’t feed the whale sharks, don’t allow touching or scuba diving near them and there was no guarantee I would even see them. This was a little nerve-wracking, thinking of travelling all the way to the Philippines and the whale sharks decide they don’t feel like showing up, but I had to have faith it would work out.

As always, my planning was last minute, but fortunately, the area I was heading to has minimal tourists, to the point that accommodation was found the old-fashioned way – emailing them to see if they had availability. I found a lovely room and confirmed via email, no deposit required.

I explained the reason I was coming, and the resort booked me onto a whale shark tour on three days so I could maximise my chances of seeing them at least once. Sadly, they informed me there wasn’t a whale shark tour available on Bree’s anniversary. As I have always had my experiences on the actual anniversary, I queried if there was any other way to see them on this day, even if it meant booking a private tour. Again, they told me it wasn’t possible. It was hard letting this go, but I kept trying to tell myself it didn’t matter as I would have a good chance of seeing them at least once.

With this sorted, much to everyone else’s angst, organising every other part of the trip like flights etc was all pushed aside until I had the head space to try and deal with it. This meant my flight was booked just over a week before leaving and after seeing my dear friend Mirella go white and potentially stop breathing for a bit when I told her I would sort out accommodation for arrival in Manilla at the airport, I booked this the day before.

I had a day and a half in Manila before I had to make the trek to Sogod Bay, so spent the day wandering around Intramuros, the walled ‘Old Manila’ built in the 1500’s when the Spanish occupied the Philippines. It was quite surreal wandering around these ruins with clear Spanish architecture, while looking out at a chaotic Asian city and dodging golf balls from the surrounding golf course!

On the Friday morning, I grabbed what I thought was a metered taxi to the airport, only to end up scammed and paying more than double what I should have, but lesson learned. The flight to Tacloban was so short, it felt like no sooner had the fasten seatbelt sign gone off, than it seemed to go back on again for landing, however the trip to Sogod Bay was a four hour journey in an old transit van. By the time I finally arrived at the accommodation at 5pm that evening, I was exhausted.

I had to be up early for breakfast though, and to get ready for the boat ride. With the waters filled with jelly fish larvae and my recent discovery of my severe allergy to this, wearing a wetsuit was a necessity. My ability to get in a wetsuit however, is not pretty and usually leads to me being in tears. Despite the trip being a 90min boat ride, I decided to save my already borderline sanity and jump in the pool to put it on ahead of time and accept looking like a weirdo as the only person with it on.

My exhaustion and the emotion of Bree’s anniversary did not help my frayed state of mind when I got on the boat for the whale sharks and discovered more than 20 people on board, most of whom were young women in their late 20’s, the age Bree would be now. My heart ached, watching them talking and laughing. Fortunately, there was one other couple of similar age to me and I spent most of my time talking to Sam, an adventurous woman originally from Perth, but currently working in Doha.

I learned Sam would soon be walking part of the Portuguese Camino and I was able to talk about Bree, wanting to swim with the whale sharks for Bree’s anniversary and my disappointment of not being able to do a tour on the actual day. Little did I know how important this time with Sam would become.

After 90mins of the loud talking, it was a relief to finally arrive at our destination and line up on the side of the boat, ready to jump in. The whale sharks slowly glide through the water, but when they decide to swim, they are super fast and gone within seconds. Each time they disappeared, we would climb back onto the main boat and circle around, trying to find them again, before we all drop back in the water.

It was breathtaking finally seeing them, but with so many people, I was constantly having people and/or their flippers smack into me in their rush to see the whale sharks or be quietly watching them, only to have large groups of people swim into my space, leaving me unable to see anything.

As amazing as it had been to see them, the experience of the crowded boat, the non-stop talking that got louder and louder as we returned home and watching these young women enjoy life when Bree had that taken away left me shattered and after a quick bite, I went straight to bed.

On Bree’s anniversary, I woke up feeling incredibly flat. I had previously decided I would try to do the scuba-dive experience given I couldn’t go on a whale shark tour, however when I woke up, I knew my heart wasn’t in it. I had decided to go snorkelling instead and had just gone back to my room when I heard a knock on a door. I opened the door to see Sam, the lady I had met on the tour the day before.

My surprise turned to complete shock when Sam asked if I’d received her message and when I told her I hadn’t, she informed me one of the other resorts were doing a whale shark tour that day and leaving in 20 minutes! Sam rang them to tell them I wanted to join them, while I rushed downstairs to cancel the snorkelling and run back to my room, wetsuit in arm, dragging along the ground and dropping everything else repeatedly.

We flagged down a Tuk-Tuk, which in this instance, felt like nothing more than a glorified lawnmower, before I realised I needed cash and had to run back to the room to grab what I could. I thanked Sam and the Tuk-Tuk puttered off, with me feeling strung out wondering if I would make it as the resort was on the other side of the point. You can imagine my horror then, when the driver stopped to let a little old lady on. With me dragging the poor woman on board and yelling “go” “go” “go,” I became even more stressed when he was clearly dropping the woman home first!

I finally arrived at the resort, and with no smaller change, I had to throw money at the driver, so a trip that should have cost about 45 cents cost me $20, but I didn’t care. I burst into the reception to see everyone standing there waiting for me. I practically deflated in relief. I’d forgotten to bring a snorkel and mask, so they organised this for me and, not wanting to hold them up further, I told them not to worry about making up a lunch pack. (I would come to regret this later).

The frantic rush, the stress of wondering if I would make it and the mad run through the hotel left me feeling completely on edge. This soon subsided once I was on the boat and able to just sit in the quiet. Unlike the day before, this trip across to the whale sharks was completely what I needed. There were only eight of us doing the trip and everyone else was in their late 50’s, early 60’s, couldn’t speak English and didn’t even really talk amongst themselves. They all just sat there, taking in the view. It gave me the solitude I was desperately needing.

My mind turned to Sam and what an incredible thing she did for me. Sam spent the evening after our tour, ringing around the other resorts to find a whale shark tour for me, contacted my resort to have them tell me, before coming that morning to check I had the message. Even now, I get emotional thinking about her kindness and perseverance that allowed me to do what I wanted on Bree’s anniversary. I truly hope I get to see Sam in person again and hug her with the deepest gratitude.

Our trip was quicker than the day before, so we were soon in the area to collect the local spotters. Unlike yesterday, I hadn’t had time to get into the wetsuit, but I read about an alternative to getting into a wetsuit which was turn it inside out, step into it and roll it upwards. Worked a treat until I discovered I had it on back to front, so had to repeat the process.

We all sat on the edge of the boat, ready to drop in the moment the whale sharks were spotted, however this took much longer than the day before, leaving us sweltering, sitting in our wetsuits in the full sun. The crew poured water over us to provide some relief before we finally heard the call and it was time to jump.

I jumped in, and with only eight of us and all of them older than me, I was able to have time with the whale shark before anyone else reached me. This time though, when the whale shark took off, one of the men in the spotter boats told me to climb on his boat and after pulling myself on, he took off after the whale shark, before telling me to jump back in. I dropped in and after all the bubbles disappeared and I could see, I practically bounced completely out of the water because there, right next to me was a giant whale shark, so close I could touch it.

After that initial shock, I was back in the water with no one else around, watching this gentle giant slowly weave underneath a local fishing boat. I was so delighted, but when I went back up to the surface, my spotter driver told me to hang on. I put my snorkel and mask back on, wrapped my left arm around a railing and put my head in the water. We took off after the whale shark, where we quickly caught up to it.

The driver brought me alongside the whale shark and maintained the speed, with me swimming directly beside it, so close there were times I had to move against the boat to try and avoid touching it. In that moment, it was like time was standing still. I couldn’t believe a bucket list item was achieved in the most incredible way. I am still in awe of this time spent on my own with this whale shark.

When I finally had to come back up to the surface, I instantly burst into tears. I was certain I was meant to meet Sam and Bree had delivered in a way like no other.

When I returned back to the accommodation, I cancelled the next day’s whale shark tour and when I woke up that following morning, I realised I didn’t need to be there anymore. I knew nothing would be as good as what I experienced on Bree’s anniversary and I had achieved what I set out to do in memory of Bree.

I cancelled the remainder of my accommodation (without being charged) and when I couldn’t get a transfer back to the airport that day, the owner offered to drive me…. the 7-8hr return trip for him! When I told him I couldn’t ask that of him, he said he would be happy to get away for a break and could bring his family, treating it like an hour’s Sunday drive instead of a drive like going from Melbourne to Sydney!

We arrived at the airport in just over 3hrs and I was able to change my flight to one leaving earlier than anticipated. This time, I did have to book my accommodation in Manila as I was walking to board the plane on my way to Manila!

A few days later, I was back at home and straight back into work. I think this has played a part in feeling so out of sorts following this anniversary. I didn’t have the quiet time to reflect.

I have shed many tears writing this though, reliving the experience, thinking of Bree and of Sam, who for a near stranger, showed amazing kindness. Bizarrely, it was a Facebook experience, “Message from Heaven” as I was trying to finish this blog post that really had me sobbing. I know these things are computer generated and highly contrived, but of all the days for it to happen, when it has never happened before, it happened on Bereaved Mother’s Day while I have been struggling to write about my experience. This is what I received:

I know it has been hard to continue life without me, but I am so proud of the way you have allowed my spirit to live on through you. 

All of these things I do is to honour my beautiful daughter and the amazing zest for life she had. I ache for Bree so much, but I know she is with me and by talking about her and sharing these stories, Bree lives on.

For Bree x